A Poem borrowed!

I found this poem through a Facebook post because I really related to the words.  

It is real and honest and hopeful ! 

 Butterfly

 
She remains in her darkness.
Her focus on food and work is distraction from the real challenges.
And there are thoughts of how her body feels different.

What does it matter. Does anything matter?

Being with the darkness, feeling the not feeling, questioning, listening and discovery. Continuous churning among them.

She has no energy for it though. It is as though her being belongs to another. The power is out. The connection lost.

Darkness feels like an old warm blanket that keeps her safe. It enables her to be inactive and hidden from the life force that calls her forward. It is a cocoon she can easily call home and ask “not now, I need more time”. Yet the unseen changes occur within. 

Changes that reconnect her to her being in a new way.
A new view and path for her to take flight.
By BAM

Here is the blog I copied this from 

http://ultra-sounds.org

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

Doctors, Doctors and more Doctors…..whew ......I am exhausted! 

Initial Diagnosis, follow-up for treatment plan, mammogram, ultrasound, initial surgery, checkups for the surgery healing, checkups for the reconstruction, Inflation of my spacer ( 3 different visits), pre-admission appointments, Eco-cardiogram test, Pet scan test, Chemo class, More check-ups, Pre – surgery appointment for Port, and now Chemo port placement. 

I have racked up the miles on my car. One and half hours each way. 

I think my car knows the way by itself now….

If I could just tell it which Doctor to go to, and then take a nap on the way up there and back, I would be set!!

 We are not allowed to text and drive, but what about napping while driving??

Honest my car knows the way !!!

Tears !

Lately I break out in tears “out of the blue”. 

A thought ….wanders into my brain.... about the chemo. 

I have to admit I am afraid of the chemo. 

Not because of the hair loss, although that will not be fun. But I know that is temporary.

The possible long term health risks scare me. The possible chance of cancer recurrence or heart damage, kidney damage, neuropathy and more. Also the uncomfortable side effects and then of course the expense. It is overwhelming some days. When I tear up, I pray for strength and the moment usually only lasts short term. 

It just happens more often right now. As my girlfriend Lori would say this to… shall pass.

I am grateful for my friends who shore me up every day with emails, texts, cards in the mail and phone calls.  Some days your presence in my life is the up-lifting I needed for that very moment. You maybe don't realize how much those little moments from you ....can change my whole day. Thank you ! 

P.S. By posting your comments on my blog too...I will know you are walking this journey with me and I can refer to your thoughts over and over. Thank you for caring.

 

Today I sat outside on my back deck. 70 degrees outside, overcast and sunny. Breezy, beautiful day. I listened to the wind in the trees, the birds singing, dogs barking - off in the woods. 

And I am feeling and watching strands of my hair blow across my face, it started me crying. 

Thinking how my hair will not be blowing in the wind for 6 months or longer? A sad moment……. I know it will be grow back, but the actual thought of facing people you know, grocery shopping, running to the post office, yes it will be hard. I know I will get through it – like so many other brave women. But it is still a sad moment in our lives. 

I am praying for strength so I can mentally prepare for that moment if it happens.

The decision has been made !

Nov. 30, 2012 - The decision has been made. I struggled mentally for two weeks, reading, praying, talking and soul searching. 

In the beginning my mindset was….

I am only Stage 2 and clean lymph nodes….do I really need chemo? I don’t want chemo !

However, after reading everything I have, chemo looks like the right thing to do ( for me). I want to attack this cancer with everything I can and my doctor thinks that this is my best choice. 

I have prayed about it and I wish I could say I am absolutely sure it’s the right thing to do. But honestly it is a gamble, we simply don’t know who will get a second cancer and who won’t even if I am early stage breast cancer. They say if it comes back it is harder to fight. 

 So now I am reading about my Chemo drug names and the hormone treatment drug and the estrogen fighting drug. Some of which I will be taking for 5 years. 

This is not a pleasant journey….I urge all my friends to research plastics and estrogen, hormones & antibiotics  in our meat & poultry, pesticides, herbicides and more…stuff that we are subjecting our bodies to. 

1 out of 8 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime. 

This is cancer society stats, not mine. 

 

There are things you can do now to protect yourself later. If you need help finding this information below are a few places to start. Copy and paste the links. You can also go to Cancer.org and American Cancer Society.

http://www.naturalnews.com/021808_cancer_prevention.html

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/kitchen-plastic-easy-greening.html

http://www.mcnallyinstitute.com/Charts/Carcinogens.html

http://www.cncahealth.com/health-info/general/top-five-cancer-causing-foods.htm

Drain tube pulled.....spacer filled !

Nov. 27^th   Hooray… got my second drain tube out. It had become pretty uncomfortable about 1 week ago, I felt like my body was wanting to reject it. Man…… that felt so good to get it out. 

I am having reconstruction right away, so right now I have what they call a spacer in my breast area. They fill it with more fluid every few weeks to stretch my skin slowly and get it ready for the implant. The Dr. added some fluid today and It feels so tight. Like a big rock sitting under my skin. It hurts with certain arm movement. But tolerable with Tylenol. 

 I still cannot get back to my yoga and treadmill. 

My Dr. says to wait another 10 days for the treadmill and yoga. He wants everything to heal before I start jostling my body too much. I do however do my yoga breathing... and some light stretches. I actually miss being able to exercise. I know how important it will be for me to continue the exercise, so I am anxious to get started again. Tomorrow is my Doctor appointment with the oncologist and decide my next treatment. I have been doing so much reading and I have a ton of questions for him. I sure hope he likes questions……??? 

Happy Thanksgiving !

Hope everyone has a wonderful day with their family and friends. 

Ours is small this year, Just the 3 of us. And since I am unable to lift anything over 5 lbs, that pretty well limits me from turkey, heavy bowls, pans and such. I knew if I tried… even with the guys help, I would overdo, so I decided to not put myself in that position.

We talked and decided we would be creative and have a different food day and 

be grateful we are together !

Steak, salad, candied butternut squash. Jace is also cooking a roast. We are playing scrabble and watching old movies. A quiet, family time day….. 

Hope everyone's day is filled with love and sharing!!