Thursday, January 31, 2013

To WIG or not to WIG?

To WIG or not to WIG? 
 
Well I am completely bald, a shaved head. 
I wish I could be like some women and just laugh at this, not care and go out in public this way without the embarrassment. I wish I was one of those pretty BALD women we see. 
You know the ones where they make you say " wow nice” even when they are bald. 

However I am not one of those. I am not ugly………but without the hair – you tend to focus more on the other flaws and wrinkles.
I am OK with that…. that is reality. I have to be OK with that because I cannot change my face. It is what it is. 

Wearing my turban and going bald at home is one thing. 
My son and husband live with the truth of me. 
However I am getting ready to go back to work.
Now I have to decide to WIG or not to WIG. Cover NO Cover?
My choices are wig, partial wig for under hats, scarf, hat, turban, ball cap or my very white bald head? 

When wearing any of them, they are all obvious, to everyone that you are bald. The nape of your neck is bald, no bangs, unless you wig. At first I wanted a wig, but after trying to wear one for more than an hour, that may be impossible for me? And my budget warrants a fake hair wig, not real hair. 
       Who knew real hair wigs cost $ thousands $. Lot of money for 4 or 5 months use.

So ……do you try to look normal for the customers and people - with fake hair? The fake hair is obvious when standing 3 foot across the counter from someone. Or not bother with anything, because you are not fooling anyone. Not even yourself.
Besides, at home I have not been able to wear the same thing on my head for more than an hour or two anyway. I get headaches. I change from the knit cap to the cotton turban, to the scarf, and to a bald head until I get cold, because my head screams to get out of these things. It does not like being cooped up in something for very long. 
I have even experienced this feeling, wearing my bike helmet when we ride. 


Why does it matter how I present my head to someone? I guess because I don’t want the pity or don’t want the conversation of cancer all the time. I don’t mind talking about it, but I like to pick the time. My frame of mind can change from hour to hour. I can go from smiling and happy to full tears in a few seconds. For something as simple as a song on the radio or something I read.
And I guess there is part of me that feels silly for even trying to cover this up. Because people will know, anyway. 
Will they silently laugh at my attempt to look normal?
 Or will they not laugh and feel sympathy if I am not trying to cover it. I don’t want their sympathy, maybe their prayers but not sympathy.  

My girlfriend Lynette – said it best….
" She told me she was not going to treat me differently, because of what I am going through… that I am still the SAME woman”. 
I guess I want to be normal for once in my life. 
Not noticed or treated differently - because of my cancer.
And she has done that. I feel normal around her, not coddled, not favored, not a cancer patient, just me.  Thank you Lynette. 

Well I have a couple days to decide what to wear for work. I probably will wear all of the above. Except maybe the “white bald head” thing. I am too cold-natured and I don’t imagine being comfortable as a baldy in public. Of course I will not say "Never" because I have eaten those words a few times. 
I would suggest to anyone going through this ….. to buy several head cover options. Because you don’t know what you will like and what is comfortable until you try them on and wear them for awhile.

Somehow I got past the mastectomy and I am getting past the chemo….so I will get past this hair thing too. These last few months have been filled with some of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.
You can’t help but be – humbled, by the whole experience. And grateful….for being one… who caught it in the early stages. 
Ladies …. PLEASE…..feel and examine your tata’s.
Get your mammograms …so you don’t face 
any of these decisions down the road. 

Hugs and Kisses to my family and friends.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

To my Angels and Peeps !




Thank you to my ANGELS  and my PEEPS….
you know who you are!!

You have been praying, and going to Doctors visits with me, and sending books and cards. Donating $$. Calling me, texting me, and calling Tom too.

WE truly appreciate every ONE of you. Sometimes it just takes the smallest gesture from you that lifts us both up – so we can go on. 

And to my PEEPS, thank you for the donation of your time, I appreciate the company during those long drives and the moral support during my 
chemo treatments. 
Your cards, your time, your emails are all inspiring....thank you!!


To my husband and our son I thank you for the everyday things you do for me. Some may seem small and insignificant to you, 
but to me they all say "love". 
You are both the roots to my tree which is 
grounded in hope, love, positive thoughts and gratefulness.
I thank you for loving me and taking care of me. 

And yes if you read all my blog you will see this is a partial repeat THANK YOU from earlier (with added content). But I felt the need to re-publish my heartfelt thank yous!!

 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hair yesterday….GONE TODAY ……………


Hair yesterday….gone today ………
 

 

My hair has been coming out in clumps for days. My scalp is irritated and my hair hurts. I have large patches of scalp showing. I am shedding everywhere and I can not stand the tingling soreness any longer. 

It is time!! 
Tom shaved my head for me, while I cried. Seems like it took forever to finish. I do not think I will spend much time in front of the mirror for a few days. It does not look like me.
 I am cold……………
Jan 23rd . was my second chemo. 4 days out now and I feel pretty good. Tired and a little nauseous, but managable.
So today I will be grateful for the little things....
And mindful of the fact that my hair will come back in about 6 months. 

Going back to work will be hard! 


Thursday, January 17, 2013

My hair is falling out and my tears are flowing....


Jan 17th, 2013   My eyes fill with TEARS as I realize there are huge amounts of my hair in my brush.



Two weeks after my first chemo and my hair is coming out in clumps today.
I woke up with the skin on my head kind of hurting. 
Did not think too much of it. Just thought I slept wrong on it (the soreness you feel)  like when you let a pony tail down. However after my shower I noticed entire strands and clumps in my brush. So I finished drying it without pulling to straighten and style it with my brush - to preserve as much as I can - as long as I can. At least through Saturday I hope. I have a funeral to go to – to support my very DEAR Friend Lynette. Her brother just passed – who fought a heroic battle against melanoma cancer. He was very dear to Lynette. 
  
So tonight I will sleep on my satin pillowcase. And I guess next week - will not only be my second treatment - but the week I shave my head. UGGgggggggggggggggggggggggggg.
This is becoming a real moment for me. And it will not be easy.
I know thousands of women have done this and I can too. But it sure is not going to be fun.

Pray for me, I will need strength to adjust and be able to go back to work in two weeks. That will be the hardest - I think.   

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Two weeks after ...my 1st chemo...

I am a little over a week out…. from my 1st chemo treatment Jan 2nd.  
 I have had good and bad days! 
I did experience one tough night - when I spent more time in the bathroom than in bed. 
But overall I am doing well. I have experienced the nausea off and on throughout the first 10 days after my treatment. It would creep up on me suddenly, but the medications they gave me have worked so far. 
I am able to eat. I am very, very tired and weak. Like after a bad flu. 

Now I am 2 weeks out from my first treatment and feeling pretty good.
 I am still tired, but fortunately I am able to rest a lot. My husband and son have been very helpful. I am eating good. 
Sleep is still fleeting some nights. I sleep a couple hours and then wake. I am sometimes able to go back to sleep – sometimes not. Depends on how uncomfortable I am. 
Let’s just say…. I am very familiar with the 3, 4 and 5 am TV shows. 
My 2nd treatment coming is up next Wednesday the 23rd.  

 I am grateful for the small amount of side effects. But I do know my symptoms may be cumulative and may change each time. So for today I am grateful – I feel good. 

Being grateful and voicing it….has become a habit. 
Every day I find things to be grateful for …..

Thank you to all our friends and family who keep in touch. WE feel isolated sometimes....so it is nice to hear from you.