A Poem borrowed!

I found this poem through a Facebook post because I really related to the words.  

It is real and honest and hopeful ! 

 Butterfly

 
She remains in her darkness.
Her focus on food and work is distraction from the real challenges.
And there are thoughts of how her body feels different.

What does it matter. Does anything matter?

Being with the darkness, feeling the not feeling, questioning, listening and discovery. Continuous churning among them.

She has no energy for it though. It is as though her being belongs to another. The power is out. The connection lost.

Darkness feels like an old warm blanket that keeps her safe. It enables her to be inactive and hidden from the life force that calls her forward. It is a cocoon she can easily call home and ask “not now, I need more time”. Yet the unseen changes occur within. 

Changes that reconnect her to her being in a new way.
A new view and path for her to take flight.
By BAM

Here is the blog I copied this from 

http://ultra-sounds.org

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

Doctors, Doctors and more Doctors…..whew ......I am exhausted! 

Initial Diagnosis, follow-up for treatment plan, mammogram, ultrasound, initial surgery, checkups for the surgery healing, checkups for the reconstruction, Inflation of my spacer ( 3 different visits), pre-admission appointments, Eco-cardiogram test, Pet scan test, Chemo class, More check-ups, Pre – surgery appointment for Port, and now Chemo port placement. 

I have racked up the miles on my car. One and half hours each way. 

I think my car knows the way by itself now….

If I could just tell it which Doctor to go to, and then take a nap on the way up there and back, I would be set!!

 We are not allowed to text and drive, but what about napping while driving??

Honest my car knows the way !!!

Tears !

Lately I break out in tears “out of the blue”. 

A thought ….wanders into my brain.... about the chemo. 

I have to admit I am afraid of the chemo. 

Not because of the hair loss, although that will not be fun. But I know that is temporary.

The possible long term health risks scare me. The possible chance of cancer recurrence or heart damage, kidney damage, neuropathy and more. Also the uncomfortable side effects and then of course the expense. It is overwhelming some days. When I tear up, I pray for strength and the moment usually only lasts short term. 

It just happens more often right now. As my girlfriend Lori would say this to… shall pass.

I am grateful for my friends who shore me up every day with emails, texts, cards in the mail and phone calls.  Some days your presence in my life is the up-lifting I needed for that very moment. You maybe don't realize how much those little moments from you ....can change my whole day. Thank you ! 

P.S. By posting your comments on my blog too...I will know you are walking this journey with me and I can refer to your thoughts over and over. Thank you for caring.

 

Today I sat outside on my back deck. 70 degrees outside, overcast and sunny. Breezy, beautiful day. I listened to the wind in the trees, the birds singing, dogs barking - off in the woods. 

And I am feeling and watching strands of my hair blow across my face, it started me crying. 

Thinking how my hair will not be blowing in the wind for 6 months or longer? A sad moment……. I know it will be grow back, but the actual thought of facing people you know, grocery shopping, running to the post office, yes it will be hard. I know I will get through it – like so many other brave women. But it is still a sad moment in our lives. 

I am praying for strength so I can mentally prepare for that moment if it happens.