1 week away from Surgery!

1 week away from my surgery. 

 I am ready for the surgery on one hand because it is one of the last big steps to my recovery. 

However, I have a lot of mixed feelings.

I am nervous about the actual surgery and the end result? 

I am excited to be having the reconstruction, scared to have another surgery and being put under again, 

dreading the rehab and pain,  

uphappy that I have to leave work for a few days and 

leave it all to Tom, happy that I have the opportunity to even make the choice of having reconstruction

hating the fact that for a few months I have to sleep on my back..because I am a side sleeper, which means 

I will not sleep well.

I still have surgery ahead of me, but this one, was a big one. 

I will have both sides fixed at the same time. 

July 8th, Surgery 3 hours.... if everything goes right. 

I appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts for a smooth and successful surgery.

I'm Popeye the Sailor girl ? and I DON'T WANT TO BE !

Lymphedema

Bloated Arm
Swelling and Discomfort 

My newest side effect...
Lately I have been dealing with lymphedema in 
my right arm, 
which has been very uncomfortable. 
But I have nursed it along to where the swelling has lessened somewhat. I thought I was dealing with a little water retention…. but only with lymph fluid instead.
 I was not that concerned about the swelling until 
I started to read more 
about lymphedema in particular. 

However, it is more than that and it poses a threat to my arm permanently
if I do not take care of it. 
I made an appointment at a lymphemema clinic, turns out I am in the early stage of 1, which means the swelling is reversible so I am being fitted for a compression sleeve…. I am fortunate that I caught and treated it early and the swelling is reversible If i wear my sleeve. And if I take proper care the swelling will not be permanent. 
Gloves when I garden, no over-use andrepetitious activity, no cat scratches, or injuries. 

The lymphedema in my case is because of the removal of lymph nodes during my mastectomy. They remove lymph nodes to test whether the cancer had spread. 
My lymph nodes were clear, thank you Lord. 
 However, now that those nodes are gone, the lymph fluid which is generated as a healing defense, has no where to go. This makes it harder for fluid in the chest, breast, and arm to flow out of this area. If the remaining lymph vessels cannot drain enough fluid from these areas, the excess fluid builds up and causes swelling, or lymphedema. 

So now anytime I injure, scratch, use my arm too much, do repetitive work or cut my fingers or arm, I am in danger of this happening, My arm can fill up with lymphatic fluid. It is a thick fluid full of protein. 

Left unattended, it will thicken, become hardened under the skin.  
 Changing the appearance of the skin, increasing the arm in size over time. Pain, changes in skin and mobility can follow. 

 So I am being measured for a really slick, fashionable, gauzy looking flesh colored compression sleeve, that I will enjoy wearing for the rest of my life. 

Supposed to wear it daily for several months and then Off and on, during flare-ups and every time I garden or when I Fly in an airplane, etc.

 It is a fashion forward bland medium tan color and should go with everything I wear….lol. 

I hate this……I am saddened I have to deal with the nuisance of this, but yet I am grateful I caught it early. 
 I have every intention of managing it and making it a minor nuisance rather than a constant worry and growing medical problem.

Just one more side effect …. UGggggggggggg
  

Some days …. I feel as if I cannot bear one more problem or side effect from this chemo, the medications, the surgery…..damn!! 
What I wouldn’t give to be whole again, to turn the time back. 
To NOT have LOST a breast, my lymph nodes, my assumption I was going to live another 25-35 years, my life without daily toxic medication to stop my hormones. To not have my swelling arm, my bald head and awful skin, the watery eyes, the tiredness, the insomnia, to not have to worry about a second round with cancer!!
GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS !

 
 

And then.......... I meet person
who tells me a sad story about someones struggles worse then mine or I meet a man who stops me in the grocery store 
( because he recognizes my hat and scarf as covering my baldness). 
He proceeds to tell me how he too, is a cancer survivor and he is impressed with my bright eyes. I looked at him quizzically?? 
He smiled slightly and said “ I feel awful…. and my light is gone….how do you feel so good?” How do you have that sparkle in your eyes?

I felt sad for him…he looked tired – I recognized that look. I have been there…had days like he was having. He was older than me maybe by 10 years. I smiled at him and said “ Give it time. I have finished my chemo and I feel a little stronger every day” We chatted a minute and went our ways. 
I thanked him for his words, but as I walked to the car I realized “ I have a brightness to my eyes that others can see. I must be getting better.”

And no I will never be the same as I was, I will have arm restrictions and lifestyle changes I have to make because of the meds and side effects.

But I can be happy and whole again. Just different. 
It will take some adjustment and discipline – but I will survive this too.

And different is Okay….
I have always said, since I was a teenager, that I liked being different!!  

Thank you for your continued prayers.........
my reconstruction surgery is in 3 weeks.

My Garden breathes life in me!

Jace thank you for my garden. It makes me smile!

 In the beginning of my cancer journey, I had given up my thoughts of a garden. 

The work of planting seemed like an incredible task. 

There was no way I would have the strength. I was so exhausted and then the heart palpitations and shortness of breath, I just knew I could not physically do it. 

But I wanted to so bad. 

Being outdoors with nature, hearing the birds sing, feeling the soft breezes across my body, soaking up the suns vitamin D and relishing its warmth.

 Nature and the outdoors are a CRUCIAL part of me. 

Nature is cathartic and healing for me.

 I decided I needed the motivation of the garden. 

I knew it would draw me outdoors into the fresh air – NO MATTER HOW tired I was. 

It would keep me moving and it would be a form of exercise for me. 

Helping me move.... even when I felt I did not have the strength. 

I could not ask Tom for the extra help…..he was already carrying a bigger load helping in so many other ways at work and at home.

And along you came Jace, offering to help me get my garden going…..and we did it. I mean you did it…..I kind of watched mostly. I did dig a little. 

That is part of the fun, getting my hands in the dirt.

 We planted potatoes, tomatoes, strawberries, onion, peppers, spinach and broccoli. 

I am so excited. Yippee! I am so happy about the garden.

I am eating fresh strawberries already!!

Thank you sooooooooooo much !