This journey has been a painful one and a joyful one !

“Will I ever feel pretty???”

 I don’t mean to the outside world, I mean to myself and to my husband? 

Behind closed doors?  

 I wonder for only moments and then I put it out of my mind. 

I do not want to dwell on it or focus on the thought and get depressed, so I push it out of my mind. 

 I still see the “sick girl” when I look in the mirror, 

I see the short hair, the scars, the pain, 

the reconstruction and the enormity of what happened to me. 

I feel different and I look different.

  The outside world sees me wrapped in my disguise of clothes.

Oh sure my close friends and family can tell when I am having a bad day. 

But, I am to a point now, where most days I probably look normal to people. Other than my hat/scarf combo or my Wig,

my body and face look pretty much normal.

So for now, I push the thought out as fast as it came in. Because right now....

 I am focusing on healing, 

eating right, yoga, meditating, work when I can, rest when I 

                       can and do not worry about the rest. 

Time will heal my body and my scars, and maybe my mindset. 

But 1 year into this journey - every once in awhile, I still ask myself 

“Will I ever feel pretty???” 

   I hope so - one day, but I know I will  be okay - regardless. 

Having Cancer....

 has been life changing, physically, mentally and spiritually.  

Those are not just empty words. 

I mean TRULY life changing. 

My closet friends and family will see a different person. Others may not notice.

 

But, it is subtle and within me and it feels wonderful. 

My perception of life and how I spend my time, who I spend it with and how I want to live each day has changed.  A catastrophic illness changes every one. 

Some for the worse – others for the good.

My cancer is gone, 

but it led me to a place spiritually and mentally I could never have imagined. 

A very content and spiritually alive place. 

I will meditate and I will do yoga for the rest of my life. 

I have found they both heal and make me feel gooood from the inside – out. 

I do not Sweat the little things anymore. 

Because that’s what they are – little things. 

I do not worry about anything like I used to. Worry will not change the outcome.

 But positive energy and being still in my mind (with meditation) can make all the difference in the world on how I react. 

And sometimes how you react to something can make the event worse or better.

I chose to take on this cancer battle, with a winning spirit. 

How could I approach it any other way? 

And I have won! 

       I beat the cancer and I have grown 

to a new place in my life – that I Love. 

I call that a Win Win situation. Don’t you? 

Thank you God, and all my family & friends for walking this journey with me. I have needed every one of you - to help me stay positive and keep fighting the fight. 

Peace and Joy to you all! !

Afterthoughts? regrets? what ifs ?

Hindsight, afterthoughts? regrets? what ifs ? 
Yep ! I have been there done that! 

I think anyone would question their choices at some point. 
If I could go back and start over, Would I do anything different?
Yes! 
1^st  And foremost I would not have waited so long to get the lump checked out. I knew it was there, but I was in the middle of taking care of my Mom who at that same time was spiraling down a horrible hell of violent dementia. Her last year here was a living hell for her and the whole family. 
er So I put ME on the back burner, thinking it was just another benign cyst like I had had twice before. And part of that would be, I would do a mammogram more often.
2^nd  I would have talked to more women who 
had actually been through this. 
MY decisions about my cancer treatment changed as I learned more 
from the Doctors, the internet chat rooms and visiting with other survivors. 
In my mind….You need information from all those sources to make an informed decision. 
 Because, 
they all give you different perspectives 
and answers according to their own experience. 
And honestly, I think that most Doctors are pompous, arrogant and do not really care about making the best decision for you, but rather care deeply about their pocketbooks. I have met a few exceptions, but not many.

Oh I believe they can take good care of you, just maybe not the way that is truly best, cheapest or easiest for you. Or mentally best for you !!!!

3^rd I would have had BOTH breasts removed. I think that would have been easier, to have both reconstructed and both look alike. But at the time, the thought of removing one breast was overwhelming and a very hard decision to make. 
The thought of removing both - was not even a consideration. 

Now that I am 11 months from the first surgery. 
And I have talked to many more women, I wish I had done it differently. 

And the main reason I am even bother to say this
 to most of you - who probably did not want to know that much information, 
is that there may be someone you know and love 
having to make this kind of decision someday. 

I hope not - but if there is…. Please remember my words and share with them.
To talk with LOTS of women who have been through it. 
Talk to them about their decisions and choices.
Ask each one what they would do different? 
Some may not do anything different – but some would. And knowing that before-hand 
may change your loved ones mind, about such an important decision. Tell them to take their time to investigate. Get lots of opinions.


Please DO NOT let them.......... JUST let the Doctors make the decisions. 
I started that way and then when I began my own research, I ended up going a completely different path than what my doctor first proposed.  
And he was Okay with that – it was just choices that every woman should be able to make 
( herself ) and the Doctor does not always tell you all your choices. 
I am referring to important decisions like….whether to have a lumpectomy versus a mastectomy, whether to have radiation? Taking which drug, because some cause BAD unchangeable side effects, etc. 
                                                                                                                                                                     They need to know the hard questions and truths about the end results and the journey there.

They need to know questions they have not even thought of ....to ask yet. 
The only way to learn how to ask ALL the questions 
is to talk to a LOT OF different women about their experience. 
 As they talk and listen they will learn more about their journey of fighting cancer and be able to ask GOOD & instrumental questions and make GOOD informed decisions.

 Finally – every persons journey is different and their "Cocoon of life" is different. 
So these decisions have to come from their own personal space. 
   
Am I okay with my decisions?
Overall yes. 
I cannot change them or what I have done, 
so I pretty much have to be okay with it ....OR..... be miserable and depressed the rest of my life. And I DID NOT choose to fight this Cancer – to live a 
miserable depressed life. 
So I will be happy for the blessings I have experienced throughout this journey and I will choose to live a happy life with my family and friends.
I am grateful I had good Doctors who performed good surgeries, that I am healing faster and getting stronger every day, that I have a husband who loves me and a wonderful support system from my family and friends.
I realize I have had many blessings along the way and I am grateful for every one!     
I will live each day to the fullest!