This journey has been a painful one and a joyful one !

“Will I ever feel pretty???”

 I don’t mean to the outside world, I mean to myself and to my husband? 

Behind closed doors?  

 I wonder for only moments and then I put it out of my mind. 

I do not want to dwell on it or focus on the thought and get depressed, so I push it out of my mind. 

 I still see the “sick girl” when I look in the mirror, 

I see the short hair, the scars, the pain, 

the reconstruction and the enormity of what happened to me. 

I feel different and I look different.

  The outside world sees me wrapped in my disguise of clothes.

Oh sure my close friends and family can tell when I am having a bad day. 

But, I am to a point now, where most days I probably look normal to people. Other than my hat/scarf combo or my Wig,

my body and face look pretty much normal.

So for now, I push the thought out as fast as it came in. Because right now....

 I am focusing on healing, 

eating right, yoga, meditating, work when I can, rest when I 

                       can and do not worry about the rest. 

Time will heal my body and my scars, and maybe my mindset. 

But 1 year into this journey - every once in awhile, I still ask myself 

“Will I ever feel pretty???” 

   I hope so - one day, but I know I will  be okay - regardless. 

Having Cancer....

 has been life changing, physically, mentally and spiritually.  

Those are not just empty words. 

I mean TRULY life changing. 

My closet friends and family will see a different person. Others may not notice.

 

But, it is subtle and within me and it feels wonderful. 

My perception of life and how I spend my time, who I spend it with and how I want to live each day has changed.  A catastrophic illness changes every one. 

Some for the worse – others for the good.

My cancer is gone, 

but it led me to a place spiritually and mentally I could never have imagined. 

A very content and spiritually alive place. 

I will meditate and I will do yoga for the rest of my life. 

I have found they both heal and make me feel gooood from the inside – out. 

I do not Sweat the little things anymore. 

Because that’s what they are – little things. 

I do not worry about anything like I used to. Worry will not change the outcome.

 But positive energy and being still in my mind (with meditation) can make all the difference in the world on how I react. 

And sometimes how you react to something can make the event worse or better.

I chose to take on this cancer battle, with a winning spirit. 

How could I approach it any other way? 

And I have won! 

       I beat the cancer and I have grown 

to a new place in my life – that I Love. 

I call that a Win Win situation. Don’t you? 

Thank you God, and all my family & friends for walking this journey with me. I have needed every one of you - to help me stay positive and keep fighting the fight. 

Peace and Joy to you all! !

Afterthoughts? regrets? what ifs ?

Hindsight, afterthoughts? regrets? what ifs ? 
Yep ! I have been there done that! 

I think anyone would question their choices at some point. 
If I could go back and start over, Would I do anything different?
Yes! 
1^st  And foremost I would not have waited so long to get the lump checked out. I knew it was there, but I was in the middle of taking care of my Mom who at that same time was spiraling down a horrible hell of violent dementia. Her last year here was a living hell for her and the whole family. 
er So I put ME on the back burner, thinking it was just another benign cyst like I had had twice before. And part of that would be, I would do a mammogram more often.
2^nd  I would have talked to more women who 
had actually been through this. 
MY decisions about my cancer treatment changed as I learned more 
from the Doctors, the internet chat rooms and visiting with other survivors. 
In my mind….You need information from all those sources to make an informed decision. 
 Because, 
they all give you different perspectives 
and answers according to their own experience. 
And honestly, I think that most Doctors are pompous, arrogant and do not really care about making the best decision for you, but rather care deeply about their pocketbooks. I have met a few exceptions, but not many.

Oh I believe they can take good care of you, just maybe not the way that is truly best, cheapest or easiest for you. Or mentally best for you !!!!

3^rd I would have had BOTH breasts removed. I think that would have been easier, to have both reconstructed and both look alike. But at the time, the thought of removing one breast was overwhelming and a very hard decision to make. 
The thought of removing both - was not even a consideration. 

Now that I am 11 months from the first surgery. 
And I have talked to many more women, I wish I had done it differently. 

And the main reason I am even bother to say this
 to most of you - who probably did not want to know that much information, 
is that there may be someone you know and love 
having to make this kind of decision someday. 

I hope not - but if there is…. Please remember my words and share with them.
To talk with LOTS of women who have been through it. 
Talk to them about their decisions and choices.
Ask each one what they would do different? 
Some may not do anything different – but some would. And knowing that before-hand 
may change your loved ones mind, about such an important decision. Tell them to take their time to investigate. Get lots of opinions.


Please DO NOT let them.......... JUST let the Doctors make the decisions. 
I started that way and then when I began my own research, I ended up going a completely different path than what my doctor first proposed.  
And he was Okay with that – it was just choices that every woman should be able to make 
( herself ) and the Doctor does not always tell you all your choices. 
I am referring to important decisions like….whether to have a lumpectomy versus a mastectomy, whether to have radiation? Taking which drug, because some cause BAD unchangeable side effects, etc. 
                                                                                                                                                                     They need to know the hard questions and truths about the end results and the journey there.

They need to know questions they have not even thought of ....to ask yet. 
The only way to learn how to ask ALL the questions 
is to talk to a LOT OF different women about their experience. 
 As they talk and listen they will learn more about their journey of fighting cancer and be able to ask GOOD & instrumental questions and make GOOD informed decisions.

 Finally – every persons journey is different and their "Cocoon of life" is different. 
So these decisions have to come from their own personal space. 
   
Am I okay with my decisions?
Overall yes. 
I cannot change them or what I have done, 
so I pretty much have to be okay with it ....OR..... be miserable and depressed the rest of my life. And I DID NOT choose to fight this Cancer – to live a 
miserable depressed life. 
So I will be happy for the blessings I have experienced throughout this journey and I will choose to live a happy life with my family and friends.
I am grateful I had good Doctors who performed good surgeries, that I am healing faster and getting stronger every day, that I have a husband who loves me and a wonderful support system from my family and friends.
I realize I have had many blessings along the way and I am grateful for every one!     
I will live each day to the fullest! 

Good NEWS!

Want the Good News?

 No tearing of my eyes, ( that stopped about 2 months after I stopped the taxotere)  
 No more heart palpitations ( I have not had a repeat episode at all….yippee) 
 No neuropathy ( I used the ice packs the last two chemo treatments and
 I believe the ice worked.) 
And very little lymphedema. Wearing the compression sleeve for about 3 weeks straight took my arm size down to pretty much normal. 
And it is staying that way on it’s own now. 
I have a little swelling when I overuse it, but I just wear my sleeve the next 24 hours. 
Yippee !!!!

I am getting stronger every day. 
My stamina is slow to come, but it is improving. I am still restricted on the lifting and overuse, because my right breast is still swollen. 
But, the scars are healing nicely. 
There is no pain in my breasts, but there is still discomfort, especially when I sleep. The nausea comes and goes, but not very often.
 I have muscle pain probably from the Famara ( estrogen blocker) I take. 
But some days I don’t notice the pain much. 
Other days, I take some Tylenol and work though it.
 It is slow, but my hair is growing back. 
Of course it feels like my hair is growing twice as fast on my legs where I don't want it, and slow on my head where I do want it....lol. 

Overall I feel very blessed!
I know women who have had to endure much more than I. 
My heart and prayers go out to them. 
I feel like I am on the road to recovery and some sense of normal.

 I am taking one day at a time…..getting through each one, with as much happiness and positive energy I can muster. My meditation has helped me immensely with that. 
My friends and family have helped me with that also. 
Thank you all…… and thank you Lord.

My faith has been a big part of this and I know God has blessed me... many times on this journey. 
I am very grateful !

It is GROWING....my hair that is.....not my nose.

It is GROWING….

my hair that is…..not my nose. 

My hair is super super short, white and a cottony fluff !!! 
It really does not resemble hair at this point.

I look like a guy who just had a buzz cut 3 weeks ago, 
only fuzzier. 

  At first it was all white, not silver or gray, I mean WHITE. 
   Thought maybe i would wear it short like PINK...
Not sure I could have pulled it off, 
but I was thinking about it. 
 Now it is around 1/ 2 long in some places and some darker color is coming in.
And that kind of looks black? So now I am NOT so thrilled. Not crazy about the FrOSTED look.
From everything I have read – it will be a surprise!  
Not many people 
ever have the same hair -  they had before chemo.
It could be curly or straight, frizzy or not, gray, white or your normal color??? 
Hey maybe it will be purple....purple is in.

I will say – I have enjoyed NO HAIR - NO drying, NO curling and NO styling, etc. 
I just may keep it super short no matter what color? 
I am all about easy ….these days.

I am not worried....
I will take what I get, 
do what I can with what I have 
and be grateful for it. 
I am confident God will help me through that part too.
If I have a sad moment …. 
and miss my old hair, I will just remind myself I am alive, 
I kicked cancers butt, I have my wonderful husband, son, family and friends…… The rest does not matter.

I am living each day, 
One day at a time and enjoying the hell out of it!!