More decisions to be made...CRAP !

Treatment #4 has not been the easiest !

I have had more uncomfortable and painful symptoms this time. 

As I said on my previous post, the neuropathy and heart palpitations were new symptoms and both are scary. The neuropathy pain can be so painful it is life altering. But I have also been more tired this time. I usually have a low period in which I am very, very tired – but then recover somewhat before next treatment. This time I have felt tired the entire 3 week period and its only 3 days until my next treatment….if I decide to have it. 

I still have not made up my mind what to do. I have done a lot of reading and have a lot of questions for my Dr. before I decide. 

 When I made the decision to fight this cancer with everything we could – it was because I did not want a repeat cancer. They say the second time around is much harder to fight and to win.

However – with these new side effects I have to consider the quality of my life also. And this is where it becomes each person’s very difficult decision.I truly want to beat this cancer, but I want to live a full life too.

I still have so much I want to do with Tom and my family and friends. Things to see and do, places to visit. And I do not want to do them in a wheel chair. Tom and I are at the age where we can spend more time having fun. Enjoying life and reaping the benefits for working so hard all our lives.

  So in my mind it boils down to this....
I can finish my chemo and possibly be wheelchair bound from the heart damage and or be in a medicated stupor and crippled from the pain of neuropathy. OR stop the treatments, maybe risk a shorter life, but be able to function, walk and do things before I die. 
I am not sure if decreasing my dosage is an option or if it would even matter in reducing the newer symptoms. 

Even though I am an Optimist, I still realize because of the cancer (and possibilities of recurrence) and because of damage to my body from the chemo, I may have a much shorter life than I expected. 

                That realization is humbling and sad, yet motivating. 

Of course there are no guarantees….anyway. 

I might get hit by a plane crashing from the sky or a driving/texting teenager tomorrow.  

I hope I beat the odds. I plan to try with all my being. 

I will know I have been true to myself and no regrets. 

         I have a picture with a saying that hangs on my wall, that I absolutely love.

“ Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming…. “ Damn what a ride”.

      Of course now it has new meaning to me… as I have to have small bits of chocolate and wine. Not gobs and gobs……dammit.

I need to stay healthy enough to still walk and run 
and 
make my journey a long one.