exhaustionfatiguedropdeadtiredcripplingbonewearydibilitatingbeyondbelief

Can you read my frustration ??

Exhaustion and muscle fatigue beyond anything I ever imagined. 

 I thought through my first 4 chemo treatments that I knew what exhausted was like. 

I went through the very tired days.  I experienced the exhaustion or so I THOUGHT !!

Now after my 5th treatment.... 

 I cannot walk up and down the stairs at work, without being winded. 

I try to take one more trip up & down, 

just for the exercise of it, and have to stop half way – completely worn out and winded beyond belief. 

My heart pounding out of my chest. 

My muscles get so fatigued I feel like my legs are going to give out from under me. 

REALLY give out !! 

No one realizes how many times during the day – I have to stop and rest.

Not even Tom. He is not with me every moment when I walk through the house. 

Or when I am at work and have to sit before I fall, because I have pushed myself too far.

I try to exercise, but even 10 reps of anything, does me in. 

             I tried to sweep my small front porch and clean it up a little this morning. I had to sit down and rest 4 times before I could finish even that. 

I want to plant some more onions and potatoes and can’t even bring myself to do that. Something I love. 

 My heart and mind cry every time I have to stop even the simplest chore. 

 I feel so useless. 

I feel like such an added burden to Tom, asking him to do the simplest things I used to be able to do. He does so much already. 

 I am very frustrated today. I soooo want ……my health back. 

I am going crazy not being able to do things.

 

It is a beautiful day out.!!

I want to help Tom pick up the broken limbs from the trees, do some cleaning of my flower pots, play in the dirt and plants some things. I want to clean some windows, sweep my deck and rake some hay in my garden. I want to get my deck ready for summer, put out my garden lights. 

 

INSTEAD I sit in this damn chair typing, because my legs are so worn out from sweeping the front porch, they feel like they will buckle out from under me…when I stand up. 

I carried 1 load of laundry to the laundry room. And I am doubled over from the physical stress of it. I have never ever imagined anything like this exhaustion. 

More than 

BONE tired, more than exhausted, more than extreme fatigue - this is totally debilitating. I am unable to do anything physical without extreme fatigue, pain and loss of use of those 

muscles I am using. 

I assume these symptoms are a combination of the chemo, neuropathy and my heart. 

OMG what motivation – I DO NOT want to live like this. 

I want my strong heart and body back. 

I want my muscles back, my health back. 

THIS IS SO SCARY. Did I say I feel useless. Well I do.

Yes.... I do some of the things I talked about. I have planted my strawberries and some onions. I did sweep my front porch. 

And I will continue to exercise what little I can, and do my chores. 

It will be just be doing what little I can – when I can – no pressure, no hurry. Tom has been wonderful and understanding. I am the only one putting the feelings of frustration on me. 

I sit and have thoughts of sadness and prayer for the people who have to live this much of a restricted life all the time - maybe because of their heart or diabetes, etc. I pray they find strength and renewed faith.

 I cannot imagine having to live this way forever. 

I pray with all my heart – that my strength will come back more than 100 % and that my heart stays healthy through all this. That this extreme debilitating weakness will be temporary like everyone says. 

I try to think positive and be positive, but some days I do sit and have my pity parties. I guess today is one of those days. 

I better make the time to meditate later  - which I know will help my mindset.

 I think I need to push a RESET button….

 

It's Sunday afternoon and I have my front door open, sitting in my chair.  I hear the birds singing, someone mowing grass off in the distance and it’s a beautiful 70 degrees, I am reminded to be grateful for the small things. 

And the rest will come !