3 days before surgery

3 days before my surgery. Are you superstitious? I am not... usually !!   

However I find myself worrying about the aches and pains I feel in different parts of my body might be more C...... to worry about. But I don’t want to say it out loud to anyone. I don’t want to put that negative thought out there.....for fear of....so maybe I am a little superstitious this time !! 

       
        Have you thought about how long you have to live? I have …....... now!

I know none of us have any guarantees, look at the east coast and their Halloween hurricane. But have you really sat and thought “ if I only had 1 year or 5 years left" – what you would want to do?

It is a hard question and the answers don’t come all at once. Are there places you want to go, people to see? Family to spend time with? Then why aren’t we doing that now? There is no guarantee you or I will be here tomorrow. One of us may get hit by a bus or get meningitis from a tainted shot?

If that is hard for you to put in perspective, let me tell you how I did it. What got me to that place of acknowledgement – but also allowed me to REALLY FEEL in my heart…. 

       Think of the closest person in the world – To you! For me it was my husband. 

Now imagine if he or she died tomorrow without warning. Put yourself in that place  – not just mentally, but spiritually, emotionally, act as if it is real. Sit in stillness and feel the heartbreak you would feel.

Now think of the things you would have done yesterday or last week – if you had known. When I was diagnosed with cancer, that was comparable to being hit by a bus….or close enough. It did make me sit down and think about how I may not have a lot of days left to spend with the people who are important to me. 

And again I understand there are no guarantees…but when you are smacked in the face with cancer or other awful disease – it does make you feel MUCH more vulnerable and makes it much more real. 

            Your mortality is not just a passing thought anymore. It is right there in front of you – staring at you – taunting you…..how much longer do you have? Suddenly decisions you were struggling with before, choices about your house, the dress you could not afford to buy for party, or your car that needs tires, whatever it was….they change. 

Everything gets re-prioritized. Suddenly you see the LITTLE THINGS for what they are (little things) and the IMPORTANT things that you need to focus on.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

         And you know what – it was actually a good process to go through mentally, because I have less stress. Suddenly so many of those big problems in my life – became very small problems. The Cancer is the BIG thing and my  focus….. for awhile.  I have let go of so many things.  I no longer worry about them. I can’t ….because they are the” little things”. They do not matter in my day to day decisions – as I am focusing on the more important things in life. My health, my family and close friends and their health, our happiness, spending time with all of them.