It started earlier this summer Posted 11-1-12

My journey started earlier this summer - I had a lump. But when I first discovered it – I was busy. 

          I was busy taking care of my sick mother who had just started having seizures again. And I thought   “ I have had benign cysts before, this is just a cyst”. So for a few months I ignored the lump and ran endless miles up and down the highways taking Mom to Doctor appointments, emergency rooms, back home, back to hospitals and then more nursing homes, only to repeat those steps over and over. Her seizures …causing violent dementia and from there she went downhill fast. It was an extremely hard summer for my mom, and our family.

At the end of summer we moved my mom closer to my sister, which gave me a break.  At that point the lump seemed to have gotten a little bigger, but it did not hurt and I had no other symptoms. However, I figured it had been there long enough, it was not going away.                                              It was time to get it looked at.

          I made the appointment. My Doctor examines me and says the lump concerns him and he would like to do a biopsy. He schedules me for a biopsy and for a mammogram, I get the call to come back in. Tom and I go together.

       My first 3 MINUTES of living with this realization -  a THOUSAND thoughts swam through my head …… 

I have Cancer? Me? My world stopped!!! 

Not me – not now. My husband and I can’t afford this. We are small business owners struggling like so many other businesses in this DOWN economy. We are active and we exercise. Why?  

This cannot be happening. We had finally gotten to the point – where we were thinking about traveling a little. 

We have worked hard in our business for 28 years, we deserve to slow down a little………………. OMG not cancer….that will wipe us out. We could lose everything. I want to die! All our hopes and dreams, all we worked for …..gone. Because of this stupid cancer!!  The guilt - the shame for letting this happen. 

I have ruined our future. I want to die….... I might die…. OMG I might die! 

Will I have 20 or 30 more years with my wonderful husband – will I get to see grandchildren – my life as I knew it is over? Our lifestyle as we knew it is over. 

These were my first thoughts and continue to be thoughts….. off and on…. depending on the day.

I am scared, mad, defeated, disheartened, heart broken, depressed, did I say scared? 

Initially I am scheduled for surgery Nov. 6, a Lumpectomy, followed by radiation, chemo, and hormone therapy. (One or all 3) We won’t know the extent of the cancer or the extent of the treatment to follow, until after surgery. The pathologist will let us know a few days after surgery what they find. And then further treatment will be decided. You will notice I started this paragraph with the word INITIALLY, decisions have been changed.....more about that to come.